badges? we don't need no stinkin' badges.

i learned early in girl scout troop 141 that one's life motto is to "be prepared." i was kicked out of scouts the very same year for talking trash about the leader on a stayover at camp mary elizabeth. well, for that and for refusing to earn badges.

there is something to be said for never running out of, oh, i don't know: dish sponges, peanut butter, frozen tortellini, toilet paper, cases of corbet canyon chardonnay. i prefer the rebellious life, never knowing if i'll have enough shampoo to get me through friday.

the first sam's club opened in midwest city, oklahoma in the spring of 1983. by the mid-eighties my parents were star struck. we managed to buy cases of stoffer's frozen tortellini (at 19 cents a serving) and our first VCR all at the very same place.

my childhood best friend had six brothers and sisters. her home seemed forever stocked with gigantic tubs of condiments--mayonaise, salsa, grape jelly, ketchup. in the freezer were hundreds of those frozen push-up things made entirely out of sugar, food coloring, and water. on afternoons when we were particularly desperate for sustanance, we ate tortillas filled only with salsa.

my jewish friend jennifer's mother came home once with decades worth of matzah and, about a year ago, my father called me breathless: "your mother and i just did the math and, if we buy cases of corbet canyon instead of alice white chardonnay, we save close to 2 grand a year!"

last week my mother joined costco, saying, "your father has a membership to sam's, and now i've got my own to costco. it's like his and hers bulk shopping." in my head was the eery echo of will ferrell's voice...bed bath and beyond...i don't know if we'll have time.

i fear bulk and feel completely jittery when i'm too stocked. obviously, this has much to do with an obvious fear of commitment, of settling down in one home or city for too long. and there's also the fickleness. why buy two huge bottles of paul mitchell when i might find a better, more attractive option next month? this from a woman who only fills her gas tank up with 10 dollars each time, SURE gases prices will be better later in the week or at another station.

yesterday, when asked about her reporting/interviewing approach, susan orlean said, "i believe in being unprepared. the only preparation, really, is being truly interested in your subject."

so, i've been staying with he-who-will-be-referred-to-as-undergrad for most of the week while transitioning from old house to new. mondays are his days off from work, when he does exactly what you think he'd do--shops for softball uniforms and bats, takes it to the batting cages with a friend, eats sushi for lunch, and goes out with two other guys to shop for grills at the local sam's club.

this is not what's interesting. what i appreciate most about this man is that he comes home without a grill but with a year's supply of girly body wash. we're talking white tea extract infused dial with vitamin e exfoliating beads. i could have bathed with axe for months and not noticed that i smelled like a man.

if carnations and movie dates involving wesley snipes and on-line tetrus and dinners at on the border are symbols of a man who doesn't know what a woman wants, then the body wash cannot be emphasized and appreciated enough.