Ok, this is going to be a disaster. I'm too busy to even show up for my own life. The players are out on the field, kicking at dandelions and swinging bats at bees. So.
Causes for alarm: Mimosa has convinced me to do “a Cleansing”—it’s as scary as it sounds. Here’s the deal: you don’t eat. You drink something, some special drink, instead of eating. For days. She went 9 days on her first try. She’s like Ghandi; it’s terrifying. I admire and love her and feel my own piddly soul quiver in apprehension. My goal: anything over 4 hrs.
Mim: It’s good for you; it’s so healthy.
Me: How much weight exactly do you think I’ll lose? How quickly? Will I have the strength to walk?
Mim: You actually have so much energy. I meditate, but I also go running—
Me: I’ll die. I’ll starve and die. (I believe this. I absolutely believe this no matter what she says).
Mim: No, see—you supplement with organic herbal teas.
Me: Tea? TEA?
Mim: Herbal tea.
Mmm, nothing I like better than a giant heaping serving of chamomile.
But listen, she’s not forcing me. I know it sounds crazy. It IS crazy, Mimosa. And you all know I eat withoutstoppingallthetime. But the truth is that I keep listening to the Spanish cds. I just voluntarily subject myself to these things, and then complain loudly the whole time. Like the time I tried that whole low-carb thing. I ate cheese for a week, even though studies show this Jerry Springerish diet could cause brain damage.
Unrelatedly, I almost cried today on the phone with Mamie because she's rattling on about how she's doing this and that and five million other things while she has strep and I'm about to yell at her for doing anything but being in bed, when a memory happens--irrelevant, unbidden, and searingly poignant:
Once we were on the phone, and Mame is driving back from somewhere. And I lose the call. I'm devastated. This was our time to talk. She'd said, My phone might die. But I just didn't expect it so soon. She calls back ten minutes later, having stopped at a REST STOP to charge the phone in a BATHROOM for five minutes.
That right there deserved its own post. I can't even tell you. It's overwhelming.
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My old roomie did it and he said he shat purple. He went twelve days and he said he felt better than he ever did. But, the body shuts off your emotions after the third day, to conserve energy. No shit. I'd come home and be like, hey dude. And he'd be like, H. No Hey. No Hi. Just H. And then he lower his arm and watch Band of Brothers. If you want I'll come over and do shadow puppets. I make a mean dog.
I just did a raw diet for ten days.
'Cept, during that ten days, I had red wine twice.
I'm sort of thinking I can step up and do this cleansing thing now, too, except... what if there's a red wine circumstance? Do I be all like, "I can't socialize because I'm only consuming this lemon juice/syrup/cayenne pepper drink"? I mean, not like I have SUCH a life right now anyway, but you never know.
Maybe we can both commit to this thing and blog about it. It'll be like hand-holding from states away. If we don't fall over and die within four hours, that is.
omg. andrea, i love you. yes, let's. and you KNOW what I'm talking about-- with the drink that is. cayenne pepper and lemon, jesus.
but no wine?? that didn't even occur to me. i thought all liquid was fair game. this is awful. demented even.
what do you think about starving on Mon?
jarv. my body shut down emotions to conserve energy when i was like 8 and all my animals died strange, unnatural deaths. like when my dad stepped on my fluorescent blue chick that we bought at a market. he was throwing it overboard when i woke up for breakfast. o, storm-tossed, wave-swept blue bird, o.
you're welcome to cast shadows anytime. you do KNOW you have to walk through other rooms to get to the kitchen though, right?
Monday it is! (Cue scary music.)
I know, the No Wine thing is really an affront to my basic human rights. On the upside, I have noticed that, thanks to the raw diet, it takes a whole lot less than it used to. Small consolation, though.
okay, i might not sleep. ever. and i might run nonstop...but EAT, people! what are you thinking???!!! my parents used to do this three day diet that hospital patients had to partake in before major heart surgery. they'd lose, like, 7 pounds in 72 hours. for what? you can't maintain with that shit.
it's not about the weight (tho i better fit into my skinny jeans after this), it's supposed to be spiritual or healing or something. i dunno. mimosa, you'll have to tell them. i sort of spaced out, you know how i get when we talk about improving ourselves.
besides, i'm doomed anyway. i starve if i go a couple of hours. food and cooking are my only true loves. and just as if she knew what i was thinking (at the end of this it's f*ing on: mashed potatoes, racks of lamb, large pumpkin tarts), mimosa says, You have to ease back into food. So many probs with that sentence.
dude, i can't hang out with you during our luch breaks if this is the route you're chosing.
I'll be the guy by the clocktower covered in bees.
wasp boy, just to remind you: we sat under the clock tower at 12pm as it chimed. we did not move. we did not move during any of the interminable xmas songs, but instead shouted WHAT? at each other.
Yeah, in the past I've eased back into food with something like a pint of ice cream.
Exactly how long are we supposed to do this, is also a good question. I need a tutorial here.
erm. i can't seem to remember how many days. that whole thing where my brain doesn't process information when it's threatened, ostrich-like. but i do know it's not hours, not minutes, but days.
what i'll do is get mimosa to give me the rules and regs, and i'll post them on here as she speaks. and then we'll all laugh and laugh at how preposterous it is and give it up.
Word.
Aubrey did The Master Cleanse and got into a car accident on Day Seven. While turning into her own garage.
I kindly suggested she start eating after that.
That is all for now.
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