On Saturday, my neighbor knocked on the door and told me she had the perfect solution to my apartment search. At exactly this time, in an alternate universe, Mamie was draping herself in oversized gold chains before going out dancing.
I’m having to move out of my place, because I don’t want a roommate. When my neighbor said she had an idea, I thought that idea would have hardwood floors and river views. Predictably, what the idea actually had was an 86 year old woman. “It was Mother’s idea,” the neighbor told me, “and it’s just a stroke of genius. You would be perfect roommates.”
Mamie ate dinner out on Sunday and was so confused about who secretly paid for her tab that she had to sweepingly thank six men before walking out. Me, I’m listening to my neighbor tell me Mother’s young at heart, likes to go out to eat, and rarely dresses. “But that’s okay, I told Mother you weren’t a social snob.”
Mamie and her boyfriend are getting tattoos together. Hers will be a tiger lily.
Mother doesn’t mind if I have a boyfriend, he just can’t be a live-in boyfriend. “He can stay the night,” my neighbor assured me, “I mean, you’re young and pretty, we don’t expect you to be a nun.” I must not have said anything, because she waited and went on, “I KNOW you’re not a nun.” Oh my god.
If you’re keeping score at home, that’s Mamie: one million, Hannah: one grandmother.
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11 comments:
wait. please tell me the ladybug will be sitting on the tiger lily?
i had a dream last night that mamie had a tattoo of a molar on her back.
stargazer lily.
asshole.
Does that really make it any better, Mamie? Btw, where are you getting it? Lower back? Is your b/f getting the same thing?
Ok, I looked at some pics of that flower and it can make for a nice tattoo. Not that it matters what I think. Anywho...
you TOLD me tiger lily. and you know it.
no. he's getting a rose on his ankle.
:)
Maybe Hannah and Mother can get matching tattoos. Maybe it's on her Bucket List.
Will the 86 year old come with tea and a tea coozie? If so, I am so in. Bring it!
With an eighty-six year old roommate I can see a stroke on the horizon, but it has nothing to do with intelligence. If she eighty-six's herself when you are there at least you will have something Stephen King would be happy to write about.
BTW: Molar Tattoo = Lung Pain Funny
Is he REALLY getting a rose?
Holy god. Good thing word in the neighborhood is out that you are definitely, absolutely not a nun. I think there's a similar bulletin going round about me in my neighborhood, but I can't be certain. It's those passing whispers of "sinner!" that throw me off.
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