i know, i know. enough with the numbers.

I. i don't know how hannah takes her coffee. similar to runaway bride, how no one truly knows julia roberts' egg preference. scrambled with one man, poached with another. meanwhile, hannah can repeat with annoyed clarity what i drink when it's cold out (tall, nonfat, one splenda toffee nut latte) and when it's warm (tall no-whip caramel frappacino, affagato style).

so, just now, while we're on the phone, she orders a large no room organic coffee. i never knew. similar to that if you like pina coladas song, when the couple tries to cheat on each other...with each other. and how surprised!!! they are to discover that the other is not into yoga!

to further highlight my self-absorption in this relationship:

i call hannah no less than five times in an hour last week. finally, she picks up.

"thank god you called," i say in relief. without a trace of irony...had genuinely forgotten it had been me who called.*



II. last night, i leave work to go meet undergrad for a drink at an irish pub. i must preface by saying that he is the sweetest person in the whole wide world. as in, finds a gold display plate (which, oddly, reminds me of the awakening and all of that damned talk about calling cards) at the goodwill, takes it to work and cleans and polishes it and gives it to me. as in, i notice my (ahem, jessica simpson) cowboy boots in the back of his car. "why are my boots in here," i say. "i was going to get them resoled," he says.

*to be fair, hannah is no walk in the park. she frequently points out how undeserving i am of such treatment.

anyway, i pull into the parking lot and my phone rings.

"hello," undergrad whispers.

"hey. where are you? why are you whispering?" i ask.

"i'm in the bushes behind the sun trust building," he hisses. "saw you pull up. i'll be there in a minute."

turns out, he and his chef-friends had tied a halibut carcass to a friend's bumper and were waiting for said friend to leave work and find it. somehow this also involved video footage and a car chase.



i'm dead serious.

hannah's like, "it's as if you date both an episode of top chef and jackass.


III. in the movie of hannah and me that no one with any sense would watch, i'm thinking minnie driver could play abrams.