my older sister is the most adorable selfish person in the whole world. she's consistently on the verge of a total f-ing go-to-pieces, but it's never because of the obvious: coach for a husband who's gone all the time, possessed child (see above), child who speaks in his very own language and refuses to keep his tongue in mouth (see above), schools of second grade children pulling knives and forks on each other, etc. no, inevitably our conversations go something like this:
me: i just got three rejection letters in the mail. in one day.
her: rejection from where?
me: i don't know. everywhere. but they're self-addressed envelopes, so it's like you're rejecting yourself.
her: oh. like poetry? giggling you WON'T BELIEVE what i've been through today.
insert: a monologue no less than 7 minutes that includes but is not limited to running out of staples IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS, before the take-home packets were done!!! also, that couch she designed on line isn't the color she imagined. she has to repaint the living room walls to match it. gavin (husband) suggested eggplant. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? and now she's going to have to do THAT all afternoon, which means morgan has to miss church choir because AUNT MAMIE lives a gazillion miles away and can't ever do anything right.
her (again): which reminds me, how does morgan know you wear thongs?
me: i don't know. i guess i took her shopping with me to try on dresses.
her: well, it's clearly traumatized her. i mean, it's been months, and she keeps muttering that aunt mamie's panties don't have backs on them. now, she's all messed up and thinks normal--you know, respectable--underwear are weird.
which brings me to my own office supply story. preface: hannah and i no longer live on the same planet. i say things like, "i'm going home for wofford's homecoming game." she responds with, "where can i find kanasta a cool winter coat?" and i'm like, "didn't you hear me?" and she's like, "yeah, i don't even know how to talk to you anymore." so, sunday i had a black tie event...also foreign to hannah, who keeps referring to it either as a) the black and white ball or b) fire and ice. let's just say this thing began at 4 pm, that i slow danced to the YMCA song, that i wore a baseball cap to teach the next morning.
so, i steal the three ring hole punch from the copy room, keep it for an hour, and return it. only when i get to the copy room/slash teacher's lounge/slash room in which people more respectable than me display home grown heirloom tomatoes, fresh cookies, and dill dusted goat cheese made on the farm, a bevvy of well-dressed teachers are standing there, staring at me.
one of them: we've been looking for that.
me: oh, sorry.
one of them: no, i mean, we have. beat you know, and other people have too.
it was like an old western movie. i was waiting for one of them to draw, say, with a globe or calculator or--i can't even say it--daily planner.
okay, lastly: sarah jessica parker. i can't handle her. i find her personal life precious; i'm sure everyone in that household loves each other very much. my friend adrian waited on them in new york and said the broderick-parkers are a nice people. morgan watches sjp walk the little boy to school every morning in manhattan at exactly 9 am.
but let's face it. she can't act her way out of a paper bag. i'm sure that "bitten" clothing line would be cool if I KNEW WHERE TO FIND IT. but, i'm sorry. if i even SEE a cosmopolitan i get ill. it is to vodka what white zin is to the wine community. and jimmy choos. and the stereotypes. i mean, we're all a little bit slutty, one part innocent, a quarter lesbian brooklynite, and the rest trainwreck. and this MOVIE they're making. don't get me started.
that being said, maxim magazine has named sarah j. parker the UNSEXIEST WOMAN OF THE YEAR. she beat AMY WINEHOUSE, for christ's sake. i mean, harsh, right? and we all know how much i love a good men's magazine. (my favorite moment, of course, was when they did a "top ten reasons to hate paul mcartney" and had to do a reprise the next month with ten more).
5 comments:
"...more respectable than I."
listen, our respective planets SUCK. all this shit's lame. we need to re-evaluate the situation. fire and ice? lame. homecoming?? lame. stressing abt child fashion??? LAME.
i don't know what i'm proposing here, but this clearly can't sustain itself. a train has derailed, and there are banana peels everywhere. we need change. MOOOOVE!!
p.s. you're planet insensitive.
i just discovered sjp's line at steve & barry's here in south bend. yes, the name is steve & barry's. and it looks, from the outside, like a deserted slaughterhouse. but on the inside... oh, it's sarah jessica parker on tv screens all over the place. and i would be lying if i said i didn't get a $20 jean jacket from her line.
you can find "bitten," mamie, in the midwest. for god's sakes, we need all the help we can get out here, okay?
Why did you did use a slash and then write the word slash after it?
"only when i get to the copy room/slash teacher's lounge/slash room..."
hate you. i don't know. i believe in revision just not with, you know, BLOG entries. slash.
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