i hate what is about to happen:

hannah warned me about this. at the close of our summer together she said, "mamie, at least i'm a trainwreck all the time. like, it's never unexpected. but you? one day your emotions are going to come flooding back and you're not going to know what to do with them. it's going to be a total meltdown."

let me just say: my feelings manifest themselves in actual events/habits/behavioral patterns. as in, i don't realize i'm feeling a certain way until one of the following occurs:

self-destructive: i typically find myself text messaging while parallel parking. like, i begin the text while parking. or i spend upwards of 200$ at forever 21.
frustrated: french fries, and i don't even like them.
abandoned: i listen to hearbreaker all the way through. i drive places without realizing it...like i come to in chapin, south carolina belting "damn, sam, i love a woman who rains."

all of these things miraculously occurred on saturday. most of them happened again on sunday. i'm freaking out. also, also discovered a galway kinnell translation of rilke's duino elegies and proceeded to bawl in the barnes and noble cafe due to its sheer beauty. i'm serious. it began as any other day in my impatient, ADHD world. i couldn't read. i flipped through a few godbooks that looked funny--one by that creepy joel osteen guy who looks strangely like martin short and another temptress of a book (pink cover) called really bad girls from the bible. then there were usweekly's top twenty makeovers of the year. then coffee table books about mutts and home decor and the rolling stones. flipped through a couple of anime paperbacks in the teen section, all entitled (inexplicably) fruits basket. then searched out yet another shitty franz wright poem in the new yorker. but, see, i haven't actually been reading lately. or writing. both of which coincide with the spiritual and personal numbness. but then, then!

"yes, the springtimes needed you. there were stars / counting on you to sense them."

"no, when longing fills you, sing of lovers; / their famed emotion isn't nearly immortal enough."

"isn't it time that lovingly / we freed ourselves from our lover and, trembling, endured it."

"for staying put is nowhere."

"you touch each other. but where's your proof?"

"under your hands you feel pure / duration."

"love from which i always retreated, because the space within your faces changed, when i loved it, into an infinite space where you no longer were."

jesus. anyway, i'm back to normal. let's not get carried away. hannah and i spend hours making fun of blogs that even consider posting such sappy stuff. so, we'll pretend this little go-to-pieces never happened.

also, i go to london wednesday. i will miss you both. also, hannah is getting ready to blog about how i got drunk on her birthday. it's bound to make me look simultaneously vulnerable and cavalier. and i say "getting ready" because she's premeditative in that way (yes, i made up that word). like, there are entire cohesive ideas and drafts floating around in her world.

*oh, and i vote to keep this cornell-box-mistaken-for-jimmy-buffet-motif thing. i like it. and this isn't reverse psychology, hannah. don't touch it.