the smallest sadists

Hi kids. So it’s been a while since I’ve talked to you on here. Truth is, this last month I’ve been observing my life with the kind of stunned stare one might have if, say, a giant boulder was falling on one’s baby grand. I know that as an adult I should take responsibility for what’s happening to us, but I think we all know you’re doing it on purpose. There is no doubt in my mind that you have conspired against me.

Clearly the only way to deal with this is to retaliate on a public blog where you can’t defend yourselves. What’s making me nuts, what I definitely won’t miss, what you should consider never doing again:

Kan, the way you’ve recently decided to be in a movie that stars only you and is constantly filming. You relate your day with sweeping arm gestures and Shakespearean inflection. I’ve noticed you don’t look people in the eye anymore, but stare a few feet off to the side with a crazy grin on your eager face as you perform for an audience only you can see.

Aaron, the way you pretend that there is no toilet. Or else, if there is one, then perhaps it’s just a suggestion. The pee could go in there, or it could not. Either way. What happens when you walk into a bathroom? I’m guessing you put your hands in the air and you wave them like you just don’t care.

Both of you: I don’t even know what to say about finding the stash of cardboard tubes from used up toiled paper rolls in your room. I’m pretty sure you both think I’m crazy for trying to recycle them. Especially since I had no good argument for why you shouldn’t collect them. There must be about twenty of them now. Plus the five paper towel cardboards things. And a few tubes from wrapping paper. It’s getting pretty interesting in the west corner of your playroom.

Also, Aaron, this drawing? Of your best girl friend? I mean… Wow.