The Battlefield Where the Girls Say I Love You



That's just the thing: we will never tell you we love you. In fact, we're here only to hold hands across state lines and yell at the world. We're here to try to touch you across this chasm of flown things. Not even that. At most, I will teach you how to make a gin smoothie when there's nothing left in the house. Hannah can teach you several languages and what to do when your car breaks up with you. Thanks for coming out.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

and now, a selection from funk & wagnalls

sim and i have begun reading the encyclopedia to each other at night. in addition, that is, to the other 1000 books we already read aloud to each other several nights a week. it's very romantic actually. we curl up, sometimes under one blanket, drink wine, eat chocolate and read aloud anthologies of brazilian poets. and then we massage each other with hot oils. kidding!!! gross.

ok, the idea with the encyclopedia must have been to be uplifted by facts about lakes, motivated to create by learning the eating habits of a giant moth. whatever. it was a stupid idea. sim got stuff like the river Aare and architect Aalto, while i got... the aardvark.

i had no idea that this was perhaps the world's most singularly hapless animal. reading about it made me feel uneasy, vaguely distressed. the whole definition starts off badly with "also known as 'earth pig'" and sort of plummets from there. the aardvark is 'fleshy' and is in possession of a toast-colored snout, long, coarse hair, and flat shovel-like claws. upon birth, the aardvark is 'timid' and so shuffles off to dig a burrow where it huddles down and abashedly slurps up ants and termites.

when it cannot burrow to safety it flops on its back, raises its mane, and WAVES ITS CLAWS ABOUT FRANTICALLY. omg, i was totally relating to it in a bad way at this point, but then!! i saw that it also emits a foul-smelling fluid from its anal gland.

and here's the kicker. the money trait. this dubious creature has 20 cylindrical teeth which are ROOTLESS AND GROW CONTINUOUSLY THROUGHOUT ITS LIFETIME.

jesus christ!

11 comments:

wrdcreater said...

The aardvark seems like it would do just fine in a prison environment.

Anonymous said...

you had me at 'curl'.

Cue said...

Christ jesus. Poor aardvark. I'm picturing it lying there, little feet flailing, and I sort of want to take it home and give it a bath. But that's just me.

Mamie said...

that its teeth are rootless, i mean, i don't understand...nightmare-worthy.

oh, and SICK by the way.

hat said...

Certain days, I feel like the aardvark. Other days, I feel like I smell like an aardvark.

hannah said...

as a community project, we should maybe all adopt an aardvark and watch it.

Anonymous said...

put me on the back of your automobile.

Anonymous said...

How do the teeth grow if they are rootless?

eric said...

I say we have a secret aardvark society. We can make money to do our evil deeds by selling bumper stickers and t-shirts. Here are a few idea:

*My other car is an aardvark
*Aardvark not war
*Google aardvark 2008
*aardvark for a new America
*I brake for aardvark
*I’m high on aardvark
*aardvark is my co-pilot
*my aardvark is a honor student
*got aardvark?
*keep honking, my aardvark is reloading
*aardvark happens
*aardvark is for lovers
*have you hugged your aardvark today?
*well behaved aardvark seldom make history
*49% angel. 51% aardvark
*wwad?
*drop aardvark not bombs
*all we need is aardvark
*my aardvark gets better mpg than your car

Anonymous said...

Worship me.

hannah said...

laura, it's not even that they grow without roots, they grow continuously without roots--my imagery is all messed up, as in i see them rolling around in the mouth of the ardvaark like logs.